A long holiday's journey into night.

No news today. Instead I thought I'd talk about where I've been. I'm struck here again by the who's-reading-this-and-how-much-should-I-say conundrum, but the basic gist of the last few weeks is as follows:

My grandparents on my mother's side have not been doing well, health-wise. My grandmother has Alzheimer's and while not in bad shape physically cannot really take care of herself. My grandfather was taking care of her, but about six months ago his health started really going downhill. For the past few years, however, they have mostly cut themselves off from all of us except my mother.

She felt it was important for us to see them while we could despite their wishes, so the WHOLE FAMILY -- Mom, Patrick (for all intents and purposes my step-dad), Ann (Pat's mother), Wesley (my brother), Nicole (his wife), Xavier (6), Lavender (2), Wendy (my sister), Anthony (her husband), Josh (13), Nicholas (4), Jesse (4 months) and yours truly (I like to style myself the black sheep of the family, but sometimes I think I come off more like the old maid) -- went down to Florida for a visit. We flew out on Monday the 26th.

Ann and my grandmother share a birthday on the 27th, so we had a little party for them and during the course of the afternoon each of us stopped in to see my grandfather, who was bedridden. He looked terrible -- wasted and gaunt -- and was so far gone that he couldn't talk and could barely breathe, although it seemed clear that he recognized us. That was Tuesday. On Thursday night he died.

I had to fly back to Chicago on Friday for a show that night (Anthony and Josh also had to return home on Friday, but they were unable to go back). Saturday I turned around and went back (I crossed over into 2006 while driving from the airport). Sunday there was a memorial service for Grandpa in Florida. Then we took Monday and Tuesday to drive up to Madisonville, Tennessee where he had grown up and was to be buried. The graveside service was Wednesday morning. Thursday we left again to drive back south. They dropped me at the airport in Atlanta so I could be back at work yesterday. Everyone else should have finished the drive on Friday and will fly out of Tampa today.

So, the question is, how do I feel about all of that? First and foremost, I feel tired. That's a lot of traveling, even for me and especially with children. Add in the obligatory cold caught from the kids and I am so drained I can barely keep my head up.

In addition, I feel sad; as much for never pushing as much as I could have to get to know him as for the loss. It's hard enough to bridge one generation gap, let alone two. I also feel for the hole this will leave in the lives of my mother and grandmother. I especially worry about my mother, who passed down to me the martyr complex I wear so well. We tend to try and take on other people's problems for them and sometimes that makes it hard to deal with our own problems. I hope she can find the time and space she needs to get through this.

On top of all the emotions, I was a little overwhelmed by meeting so many people, and seeing so many people that I haven't seen in years. I'm not a very social animal (part of the reason that I never pushed to get to know my grandparents), and so much socializing in so short a time can get me down, especially in addition to spending so much time surrounded by other people, even if they are family. I was with everyone pretty much 24-7, and Anthony's absence left me doing a lot of babysitting (which I love, but all things in moderation, you know?). And, of course, some of you know about the effect I have on animals and very young children, well Lavender was no exception -- I think she considers me her personal property now : ) Also, by the way, funerals are almost as bad as weddings for people pestering us single folks about getting married and having kids.

So that's the scoop. Apologies to those of you I have been less than communicative with -- as you can tell, I was rather busy. So, belated Happy New Year, and I hope to see you all soon. But not too soon ; )